It's midday and im in bed. Feel like I have a hangover which isn't fair as I didn't go out last night. Mind you, I did the night before and it's possible I remained drunk for the last day or so, which means I guess im due. I feel sick. I feel heavy. My mind is cloudy and seeking a smoke... so im going to smoke, excuse me a moment.
Ok im rolled up. I've been smoking for at least ten years. I've quit for a few days here and there, but in all the habits actually got stronger. For a long time i'd never consider smoking in the day, just after work in the pub or maybe after a stressed out meeting. Now it's the first thing I do when I wake up. I just don't want to quit. I've quit drinking before (mainly because I had some nasty stress-illness) and that lasted eight months. I lost weight but I also lost most of my sense of reality... long story and not one for this blog. This is my chance to re-awaken. I want to take a step back, to chill my body out, to cleanse the shit out. Quite literally. I'm fat, very fat- like 15 stone or something, I don't even want to weigh myself. My belly hangs over my trousers and wobbles when I walk. When I look down in my pyjamas all I see is a mound and tits. I have man-breasts that hang.
For years I have been getting fatter but I wasn't always this way. At eighteen, nineteen, even twenty I was slim. I looked good, I had people chatting me up and I ran up stairs. I was a chubby kid, but then one day I got sick and took a month of school- hardly ate... lost the lot. Illness seems to get me better. I know you're going to be reading this thinking- god this guy needs a shrink and truth is I sure do, but the NHS as it is, I've had to become my own shrink over the past few years (another long story!) and now i'm telling myself to clean the body the only way I know how- switch off, kill the food, hide a bit and cleanse.
So yeah, im a 29 year old guy. Had huge highs, huge lows, been there, done that. Yes it's been an amazing life full of drama. Now it's time for a rest. I need to know I can do it because if I don't im going to end my days an unhappy chap. This is going to be tough and I am only 50% certain that I can even last a day let alone 30, but hell.. you're coming with me and in some ways I hope that embarrassment will help.
Be brutal lads. It's time Big Al became Alex again. My eyes used to shine.
